Massholes

From The Dick List:

I tend to get really embarrassed for Evangelicals when they start talking about the "End Times" or whatever because everyone with a brain knows Revelations is just a thinly veiled attack by St.John The Divine on the decadent Roman Emperor Nero, but as it was prophesied:

Revelations 6:12

I saw when he opened the sixth seal, and there was a great earthquake. The sun became black as sackcloth made of hair,the whole moon became as blood, and the Boston Red Sox won the World Series again. 


Above: Professional baseball player Gary Sheffeild interacts with a pride of Massholes. Tactic 2) is clearly a failure and so Sheffeild nearly resorts to tactic 5), but thinks better of it. See ANTI-MASSHOLE TACTICS below.

BOSTON might be the worst city on earth. Boston sucks more than just about any other place on this planet, and its not because its cold there 10 months of the year.

It's not because the city is fucking boring and closes its bars at 1, even on weekends.

Its not because the girls are fat and homely-looking.

Its not because the "T" (subway) closes down 15 minutes before the bars, thus encouraging drunk driving.

Its not because the one strip club in the city doesn't even let the girls strip.

Its not because of that horrid accent which sounds like nails scratching down a blackboard to the civilized ear.

Its not because of asinine street layout, the fucking disastrous big dig, or even the city's provincial small-town mentality.

No, Boston sucks for one major reason: MASSHOLES. Have you ever encountered a Masshole? If you have, you'll know what Im talking about. If you haven't yet had that misfortune, please feel free to peruse the proceeding text entitled 'LIVING WITH MASSHOLES- A BEGINNER'S GUIDE'.


LIVING WITH MASSHOLES
A Beginner's Guide

HABITAT:
Massholes generally hail from the suburban regions around Boston, such asWeymouth, Peabody (pron. Peebiddy), Waltham, Revere (pron. Reeveah),Revere Beach and whole host of other retarded sounding places. Sometimes, they are from more urban habitats such as South Boston ("Southie") and sometimes they are from more bucolic settings, like Worcester ("Wusstah"). Generally their range extends throughout Eastern Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and parts of Connecticut.

IDENTIFICATION AND MARKINGS:MASSHOLES respond to the names Murph, Sully, O'B, McGuvz, Towmmy,Bowbby, or Maahk. They are generally Irish-American (generations removed from the old country), although there are rumored to be other subspecies of Masshole lurking about. Massholes are easy to identify by sight due to their pale complexion, blue eyes, Red Sox hat, and freckles. In the summer time or when exposed to any sort of solar radiation above 2 on the UV index, Massholes display a characteristic bright red plumage all across their body. This plumage quickly evolves into masses of peeling skin, a condition which the Masshole calls "a wicked bahhd buurn".

Stunningly original and individualistic, Massholes are interested in a diverserange of topics such as: The Boston Red Sox ("Sawks"), Boston Bruins, Boston Celtics, or the New England Patriots ("Pahhts"). Because their city is clearly a second-rate backwater, the one way the Masshole can possibly experience greatness is on the sports field, and thus insulting a Masshole's team is sort of like insulting his drunken whore of a mother.

BEHAVIOR PATTERNS:The MASSHOLE's prey is relatively easy to procure, and consists of a water, hops, yeast, and alcohol mixture called "beeah"(Icehouse is the preferred prey). The Masshole typically consumes somewhere between 10 and 25 "beaahs" untill it reaches a state of euphoria called "fackin' hammmahed". Once "fackin' hammahed", the Masshole will search for the two other things essential to it's life cycle: a sporting event to watch (preferably the Sawks) and a fist fight. Please note that although Massholes prefer to fist fight outsiders, inter-Masshole fist fights are also very common.


Above: An adult Masshole. Even when removed from their natural habitat for years on end (this specimen has nested in Hollywood, California), Massholes are still easily recognizable to the untrained eye. 

ANTI-MASSHOLE TACTICS
1) The best way to deal with a Masshole is to ignore it. 2) If persistent or aggressive, a Masshole can usually be frightened off by a black person. 3)Another effective way to deal with the Masshole is to separate it from its pride. Massholes are pack animals, and thus become shockingly timid when few in number and isolated. 4) The fourth option is to wait until the Masshole drinks itself into a stupor and passes out. 5) The final option is to kick the fucking shit out of the drunk Masshole, although this may result in imprisonment. If you choose option 5, make sure you are not in the Boston area because the arresting police officers will certainly be major Massholes themselves and will naturally protect their own species.

LONG TERM PROGNOSIS
Unfortunately, Massholes look to be with us for the foreseeable future. Although the nuclear destruction of their habitat (Boston) is a tempting option, it would be prohibitively costly and would have disasterous environmental impacts. A less costly way to deal with Massholes is to make sure the Red Sox and the Patriots do not make the playoffs. A collapse in the fortunes of one such team forces the Masshole into a state of depression bordering on suicide; if both collapse maybe Masshole-kind will finally take a razor blade to its wrists and do the rest of America a favor.


Above: A senior Masshole well past his prime. Massholes often remain losers for their entire life cycle. 

CONCLUSION:
In truth, there is nothing worse on earth than a Masshole. Just how a small, irrelevant town such as Boston produces so many Massholes remains one of the great mysteries of the natural world. Although the problem of Masshole infestation is not likely to be remedied by modern science any time soon, careful adherence to the 5 anti-Masshole tactics can go a long way towards mitigating the problem. When dealing with the Masshole, always remember: the root of the Masshole's agressive behavior is its own inherent weakness and feeling of inadequacy. Boston will always be a second-rate city on the world stage, so the proper way to deal with the Masshole is to dismiss it much like its silly little town. As the noble Roman Cato the Elder once said over 2000 years ago, "MASSHOLES DELENDA EST", and how appropriate that statement is, even today!